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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26912779">Mazel Tov</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/PepperF/pseuds/PepperF'>PepperF</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Diego whump [9]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>The Umbrella Academy (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Gen, Whumptober 2020, bc that's too complicated to deal with in this fic, but ignoring the Sparrow Academy stuff, but not enough to tag for it, post-s2, there's Diego/Lila if you really really squint, this one's just fluff really, whump-lite</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-10-09</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-10-09</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-07 00:29:09</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,541</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26912779</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/PepperF/pseuds/PepperF</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Diego gets himself into trouble all the time. Of course he does—he has the training, the knives, the police scanner, and the long, lonely nights, so why wouldn't he put all of that to use? And if he enjoys a good fight, just a little bit, just sorta lives for the moment of battle, for the adrenaline rush when he's outnumbered or when someone's actually a decent prospect—who could really blame him, when he's saving lives and taking out the bad guys in the process? So he puts himself in harm's way, rushes in where the police can't or won't or haven't yet. He's proud of it. If he wasn't scared to fucking death of needles, he might even get himself a tattoo (<i>shudder</i>) to tell the world that if you do bad shit and he finds out? You'll have him to deal with.</p><p>But he also lives in a shitty neighborhood, which is why he's grocery shopping when this one happens.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Diego whump [9]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1951318</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>33</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>Whumptober 2020</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Mazel Tov</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Thank you to Bethany, who is awesome! :)</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Diego gets himself into trouble all the time. Of course he does—he has the training, the knives, the police scanner, and the long, lonely nights, so why wouldn't he put all of that to use? And if he enjoys a good fight, just a little bit, just sorta lives for the moment of battle, for the adrenaline rush when he's outnumbered or when someone's actually a decent prospect—who could really blame him, when he's saving lives and taking out the bad guys in the process? So he puts himself in harm's way, rushes in where the police can't or won't or haven't yet. He's proud of it. If he wasn't scared to fucking death of needles, he might even get himself a tattoo (<i>shudder</i>) to tell the world that if you do bad shit and he finds out? You'll have him to deal with.</p><p>But he also lives in a shitty neighborhood, which is why he's grocery shopping when this one happens.</p><p>He doesn't have Spidey-senses because that's not a thing, but he does have a finely-honed instinct for trouble. So when he sees a couple of customers hustling out like the building's on fire, throwing fearful backwards glances, his curiosity is piqued. He puts down the packet of rice he's holding, and slips out a knife as he heads deeper into the store, instinctively softening his steps and pressing closer to the shelves as he gets near.</p><p>"--where I can see 'em!"</p><p>It's not loud, but it is clear: 10-30, robbery in progress.</p><p>Diego risks a quick peek, taking in as much as he can: two men in front of the checkout counter, each with a gun. The cashier (Tomas, nineteen, huge Cardi B fan) is emptying out the register, and a woman and a little girl are pressed against the reduced items shelf, clutching one another close. One of the guns is aimed at them, the other at Tomas. Matching black masks, which suggests a decent level of professionalism. </p><p>He doesn't need a good angle to take one of the gunmen down from here, but it's risky with two guns in play. So he sheathes the knife, puts in his earbuds, grabs something random off the nearest shelf, and strolls out with his head down, nodding along to an imaginary beat.</p><p>"Hey! Hey, you! Stop right there!"</p><p>He looks up, feigning surprise. "Hey, whoa," he says, tugging out the earbuds and putting his hands up at the same time, ending up with them hopelessly tangled around one hand. Only one of the guns is now pointed at him, damn it—the one that had been pointed at Tomas. He's gonna call this guy Thug One. "Don't shoot, bro. I'm just here to get my—" He risks a glance at what he's picked up, and sighs internally, "—girlfriend a pregnancy test. I don't want any trouble."</p><p>"Congrats," sneers Thug One. "Get over there, with the others. Watch him," he adds, and Thug Two turns his gun on Diego, while One turns back to Tomas.</p><p>Diego moves slowly around, circling the outside of the counter like he's trying to keep his distance from the gun—like another few feet would make all the difference. Keeping his eyes fixed on Two, he casually positions himself in front of the girl as if he hasn't noticed her.</p><p>"Can I...?" He gestures as if to lower his hands. </p><p>Two rolls his eyes. "Yeah, man. Fuck's sake."</p><p>"Thanks." He lowers his hands gingerly, ridding himself of the tangled earphone wires with a shake that slips a concealed knife down into the palm of his hand. He glances at the woman next to him. "Hey. You doin' okay?"</p><p>She gazes at him with round, scared eyes. "No. Not really."</p><p>"Fair enough."</p><p>Two pointedly clears his throat, and Diego brings his eyes front and center. Tomas must've nearly finished with the cash register by now, so they'll be getting ready to clear out. </p><p>"So, what's the next move?"</p><p>"What?" snaps Two. </p><p>"You know. You rob the store, and then, what—getaway car? Bikes? Helicopter?"</p><p>Two scoffs. "Like I'm gonna tell you!"</p><p>"You're not on foot, are you?" The guy's expression gives him away. "Oh, man! Seriously? Shit, you couldn't even steal a car or something?"</p><p>"What're you, some kind of expert?" asks Two, clearly disgruntled. Diego gives him a toothy grin. "Hey, no shit, really?"</p><p>One glances back at them briefly. "What are you two getting so cozy about?"</p><p>Two looks over at his associate. "D—uh, dude, this guy knows how to steal cars, we could use him."</p><p>"Fuck, my grandma knows how to steal cars," grumbles One. "Stick to the fucking plan, <i>dude</i>. And stop chatting with the hostages!"</p><p>Two turns back, looking a little deflated. "Sorry," he shrugs. "We got a plan."</p><p>"And his grandma, I get it," says Diego. "It's cool." Time to move to Plan C. He cocks his head. "Hey, was that a siren?"</p><p>The effect is gratifying. Both robbers jump and start listening, and honestly, there could really be cops on the way, or in this city it could just be random sirens, but after a moment of intense listening, One growls. "Shit, someone musta tripped the alarm." He moves closer to Tomas, who lifts his hands in alarm.</p><p>"It wasn't me! You were watching me the whole time, man!"</p><p>"I thought I saw some people leaving earlier," says Diego, before it gets nasty. "Seemed in kind of a hurry. Maybe they saw you?"</p><p>"Fuck," says Two. "It doesn't matter. Come on, let's get out of here."</p><p>"Yeah." One looks them all over with a quick, assessing glance. "Grab the kid."</p><p>"Hey, no, no," says Diego, instantly. He steps forwards, hands outstretched. "Don't do that, you don't want trouble like that. You take a kid hostage, the police are gonna kill you."</p><p>"I don't think I fucking asked you," says One.</p><p>"You want to take me instead." He moves a little more, away from the woman and kid, drawing Two's aim with him. "Look, you wanna know why I know how to steal cars?"</p><p>"Not particularly," retorts One. "Stop fucking moving."</p><p>"It's because I trained in every fucking combat or combat-adjacent skill under the sun, man. You heard of the Umbrella Academy?"</p><p>"Those superhero freaks?"</p><p>"Yeah, the superhero freaks. I'm one of 'em." He lifts his left arm, lets the sleeve pull back a little to show his tattoo. </p><p>"Oh, hey, cool!" says Two. He glances at One. "I really think we should take him, you know. He could be useful."</p><p>"Jesus, I don't care!" snaps One. "Bring your number one celebrity crush if you gotta, but let's go!" He steps up close, until the muzzle of his gun is touching the point of Diego's jaw. "Turn around." Diego gives him the stinkeye, but does as he's told, and the gun trails around, pushing back the hair that he still hasn't decided whether or not to cut, until it's nestled at the base of his skull. "Please, feel free to try my patience," says One, lightly. Then, off to the side, "Grab the fucking bag!"</p><p>A second later, he's being hustled out of the door and down the street.</p><p>"Make yourself useful, Umbrella boy," says One. "Get me that van."</p><p>Under a minute later, he's being shoved into the back of the van that he hotwired, which is pretty fucking rude if you ask him, followed by Two. He finds a seat as the vehicle starts up, aware of One's watchful eyes in the rearview.</p><p>"So, what's your power?" asks Two.</p><p>"Oh. Uh, I can talk to the spirits of the dead," says Diego, stealing Klaus's powers without compunction. Best to keep his actual speciality a surprise. "But I have to be in the right frame of mind," he adds, when Two opens his mouth again.</p><p>"Aw."</p><p>There's a long pause.</p><p>"Do you think your kid'll have powers?"</p><p>"What?"</p><p>"You know..." Two gestures vaguely back to the store, and Diego winces.</p><p>"Oh. Yeah. No. I dunno. It's possible, I guess." For a moment, he contemplates a private, internal vision—and then shakes his head to rid himself of it. "I hope not. It fucking sucked ass for me, the Academy and all that shit."</p><p>"Well, but you'll know how to do it better, though, right?"</p><p>"I guess," mutters Diego, looking down at his hands. He's never really thought about it before—but he couldn't be worse than Reggie, right? No one could be worse than that, except maybe the Handler. So, really, the only way would be up.</p><p>"Hey, dude, I'm sure you'll be an amazing dad," says Two, warmly. "Just look how you protected that kid back there. You've got good instincts, I can tell."</p><p>Diego glances up. "Uh. Thanks, bro," he says, awkwardly, and palms his knife.</p><p>---</p><p>A few minutes later, the van screeches to a halt, and Diego climbs out of the front, wiping blood off his knife. They left the hostages alive and unharmed, so he's returned the favor—mostly—and the police should be along to collect them as soon as he can place a call.</p><p>And if Two accidentally starts any completely untrue rumors, well, Diego will know where to find him.</p>
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